Photobombing Giraffe 😅
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Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“