Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/Fu4Oja7XgAAjF26.mp4

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?

The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/D0b3OTjVsAAAdx6.mp4

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”