Photobombing Giraffe 😅
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If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
My Plans 2020
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
you will never know the true number of layers
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!