Photobombing Giraffe 😅
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Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Raisins are grape jerky.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.