Photobombing Giraffe đ
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Canât believe itâs 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Iâm gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! Iâm great at dating
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what itâs like to lose your child at the mall
me: thatâs my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, maâam
me: idk sheâs pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Teens â Slay all day
20s â RosĂŠ all day
30s â Bidet all day
40s â Bengay all day
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah Iâm good.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe itâs too forward.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR âLIKESâ FROM MY SELFIE
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
âyou never take out the trashâ
try:
âi FEEL like the spreadsheet iâve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the timeâ
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasnât seen him much lately
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[getting ready for plans I shouldnât have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe thereâs still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Me: Well well, if it isnât the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDNâT HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
đ¤Ł
âYouâre not like the other girls.â
âYeah, thatâs pretty much how this works. Weâre literally all different ones.â
Guess weâre having âI donât knowâ for dinner again tonight.
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about âlife-changing experiencesâ, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking âI started using naan breads to dip in my soup this yearâ.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, âah yes, thatâs why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymoreâ
It was all over when he said, âIt must have been an obstacle illusion.â
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TVâs âDinosaursâ were all different species of dinosaur
The straw that broke the camelâs back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.