Photobombing Giraffe 😅
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[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Friday night party time 🥳
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
This did not end as expected.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player