Photobombing Giraffe 😅
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Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist