photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.