photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Make me look younger
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Me My dog
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend