Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
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People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.