Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

i can’t work under these festive conditions

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶