Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
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Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.