Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
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Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.