Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
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Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I’m awake but I object,
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.