Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

*Inspirational Tweets*

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

Genius idea!!

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.