Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looks at you in batman voice*

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.