Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”

The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”

May never get over this

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

Welcome to the stomach

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”