[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
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Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
gentlemen, hear me out
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂