PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
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*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
If I ignore life will it go away?
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.