PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
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Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
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