Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

pelicons

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

Finally, an instrument I can play!

I’ve disappointed better people.

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

I hate when that happens.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser