physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
You Might Also Like
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I saw nothing
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
👾👾👾