Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones