PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
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When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Note to self: I am a note
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.