Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

who did the taste test?

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!