PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.