PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
You Might Also Like
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
this is a sign that you need a union
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.