[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
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once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
why am I working on Labor Day
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*