[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
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CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
OH. COME. ON.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
For real 🤣
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.