[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
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I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
My life in a nutshell
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!