Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

getting corrected

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.