Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
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Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Lube but for my dry humor.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
In case you needed to hear it:
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
quarantine day 3
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I identify as an antique shop.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No