Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

only 11 steps left

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk