Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

That’s not how days work.

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

as the prophecy foretold

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.