PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
You Might Also Like
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”