Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

Winnipeg!!

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans: