Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call