Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational