Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

Mornin

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough