Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
same but as an audience member
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do