Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

Sing it!

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!