Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Good advice.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.