Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

#inspiration #foodforthought

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.