Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”