Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
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A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.