Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

mom had nothing to worry about

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

you stereotypes are all alike

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

never compromise your values

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away