Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

Breaking news:

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit