[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
You Might Also Like
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.