“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
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A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My life in a nutshell
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts