It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
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Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Called my mum to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I’m now waiting on a tow truck.
This is so accurate 😂
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I’m not saying I’m bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot.
In other news, I might not know what bilingual means.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
ME: but what?
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…