“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

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It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.


Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.


Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*


Called my mum to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I’m now waiting on a tow truck.


Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked


I’m not saying I’m bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot.

In other news, I might not know what bilingual means.


Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles


ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down


ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer


ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.