My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
You Might Also Like
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040