Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

The days of good grammer has went

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

*pronounces surface like Versace*

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

I know

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.