Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down