Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
How can I say no to this ?
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
This meal prepping shit easy
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes