Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
#gardening
this is so top tier i cant
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.