Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.