Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
You Might Also Like
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Is your wife single?
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids