Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

So true for me

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

Thaw me like one of your french fries

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.