Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
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*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
how high up are we talkin’?
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
choose your gary
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.