Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
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My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys