Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you?
Cw: You would? Why?
Me: Because I know what the words “had to” means.
“Pick a pencil. Look at it. Now put it back with the other pencils. Was your pencil the number 2?”-Steve, shitty pencil magician
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Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
ME: You guys are here, right?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
As a child whenever I asked my parents to close the closet at night they always said. “Why? Anything that could kill you can open that door”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what