Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

Sunday

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]