Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.