Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
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{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”