“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
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interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Waiting for the Charmin
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
be safe out there!
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.