“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
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Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
What do you text your spouse?
Body by sandwich.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
oh you like architecture? name three walls
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.