“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
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You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I wish I were this cool 😂
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.