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why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me if I was a dog
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often