Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
You Might Also Like
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I need a long hot meteor shower