Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Phonetics
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
