Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Morning all.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
