Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
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You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*