Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
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“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.