Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

sistine chapel

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

I think I’ll spend my savings on a lifetime supply of pasta.

Worth every penne.

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade